Faces of PTSD Day "Not All Wars Take Place On The Battlefield."

I just found out today is #FacesofPTSD day. Today is a day to unite and show that PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is not only associated with soldiers on the battlefield. No one is immune to potentially ending up in a situation that could lead to battles with PTSD. Abuse, rape, accidents...there are countless ways that could cause PTSD to manifest.

I have dealt with PTSD since I was 18 years old. I'm now 39, and even with counseling I still have triggers and days that I struggle. You may be wondering why I would choose to address this here, on my pregnancy blog.

The reason is simple.

At 18 I was raped and that incident resulted in pregnancy.

I did what you are supposed to do. I went to the ER. Had the rape kit done, pressed charges...it was a humiliating and miserable timeline of events. In that day, I didn't know just how miserable it could be.

You see, I was only 18 years old. I had no one one my life who had been through anything similar. I didn't know what to expect medically or legally. I was just helplessly pulled under and along by the current of events, never able to catch my breath.

Just when I thought I could find moments of peace from the nightmares, the daily fears of if I was being followed or watched, I began having horrible cramps and some bleeding. An ER visit confirmed that I was having my very first miscarriage. I was shocked, angry, heartbroken....so many emotions that it was hard for me to process my thoughts.

To this day, I still have triggers. I still have fears. I still find myself paralyzed when faced with things and thoughts that flood my mind and body with ingrained stress and fear.

I may have never stepped foot on a military battlefield. But I assure you, my war is just as real and has had lifelong negative impact on how I feel, think, live, and react to the world around me.

I am the Face of PTSD.

Read the article that started the movement:

"What gives Google? PTSD search results"

Awesome News! No PTL!

I'm super excited! After all the crazy painful regular contractions I've been having, I found out today that I am not yet dilated and baby Logan is still safe and warm where he needs to be!! I am now happily off of bed rest!! I am so relieved!!

I actually took this pic today just in case Logan decided to make an early entrance into the world. Luckily, this won't be my last pregnancy photo!

Our appointment was fantastic. My MFM doctor took New measurements of Little Fox's heart to rule out any cardiac abnormalties that can arise from taking certain seizure medications. Everything looks well formed and perfectly functioning, so that is a huge weight lifted!

Dr. Brown said baby is very active, so much so he had a hard time getting him to settle for measurements and pictures! He then said, "The Force is strong with this one" and "Approve Yoda does!"

This of course had me giggling and made Little Fox even more actuve, so my Dr then said, "He loves it when you laugh! It makes him bounce around more!" I absolutely love his light hearted humor and his awesome bed side demeanor!

Here is Little Fox, weighing in at 1 pound 11 ounces. I'm so proud!

Third Trimester Already?

Seems like just last week I got my bfp. I vividly remember the fear and trepidation I had about telling my husband I got a positive. Then the fear we both had about getting excited, telling anyone, and our reluctance to be hopeful.

Ironically, after our last loss we had given up. We were done trying. That last loss almost broke me. It was so devastating. But here we stood, wondering how long this baby would stay.

I remember my first appointment with my MFM doctor and going over my pregnacy history. Seven miscarriages in my life, three in a year and a half time frame. He was patient, comforting and honest. He made no promises and told me he had short term goals of getting me to nine weeks, then ten, and so on. When we passed the twelve week mark, his eyes lit up with hope for our little family, as the miscarriage rate was now considerably lower.

I was now allowing myself to be hopeful and happy and it felt good. Our little fox has had a strong heart beat from the beginning and has been in target with his growth.

Fertility issues are painful. Most keep their struggles quiet, suffering in silence. I have very rarely talked about my own struggles because it is hard. I am grateful, however, that even with my difficulties becoming pregnant and sustaining a pregnancy, I have two healthy children and my third on the way. I'm an older mom now, which makes things a bit riskier but we are taking it day by day.

I was placed on bed rest yesterday due to ongoing contractions with nausea and such which started Friday. Last night, my husband put his face next to my belly and told Logan not to be in such a hurry to get here, to stay put, and not come just yet.

So here I lay, willing our baby boy to stay safe and cozy for quite a while longer, letting him know that 24 weeks and 4 days is just not long enough to ready him for the world just yet.

All the while feeling and watching him kick and play within my tummy without a care in the world.