It's official. Two positive tests.
Frequent urination.
Aversions to smells.
Breast tenderness.
Bloating.
A bit of morning sickness.
Pregnancy rhinitis.
My last lmp and a due date calculator put me at just over 5 weeks and due in August.
I should be happy. I should be excited about this. But I'm not.
I should be looking forward to kissing a little nose, feeling tiny fingers wrapped around my own, and loving on little toes. But I'm not.
I'm terrified.
We have had three miscarriages in a row, the last having happened this past October.
I start to feel myself become hopeful, my hand gently caressing my bloated "baby belly" and I stop myself.
My husband, still feeling the sting and heartbreak from not only his feelings over our losses but from watching the pain in my eyes, the tears on my cheeks, and the wails of my broken heart escaping from my lips, tells me often not to get excited. He doesn't want to get attached, afraid he will again have to say goodbye.
I want so desperately to feel excited and happy. I want so badly to relax a bit and enjoy all I can about being pregnant.
Instead I analyze everything. Are my breasts still as sore? Am I peeing less? Do things like popcorn, coffee, and other "stuff and thangs" still smell bad and make me nauseous?
While many pregnant women are complaining about their symptoms I'm cherishing mine, terrified they will lessen and disappear. I crave these "annoying" side effects of pregnancy more than you can imagine.
The last loss was almost too much for me to handle. I seriously thought I would be holding my baby in May, because the pregnancy felt different from the last two.
But it was not meant to be and in October I felt the agony, physically and mentally, while I watched helplessly as my body let go of the child I desperately wanted.
So here I sit, my heart and mind in constant conflict as my mind tries to protect my heart and my heart tries to love without worry.
But I know, at any moment, my heart will win the war and I will fall in love with my little dragon so deeply and the joy and excitement will come pouring out of me like the beautiful rivers of lava flow from the volcano.
But as of this moment, I'm terrified and trying to get a grip on the confusing mass of emotions that are squeezing my heart.
And trying to take things day by day.
